Return to the Blogosphere

I had to close down my previous blog because it is being published in old-fashioned and inestimably more highbrow printed form. There is nothing quite like the feeling of seeing one’s name upon the cover of a book. It is second only to the joy of receiving a standing ovation at the Tory conference or being invited to write for the Daily Mail.

Indeed, it has been over a week since Michael whispered his gentle praise into my ear as the hall still thronged with the awed gratitude of delegates who had been waiting impatiently for well over an hour for an inspirational and newsworthy speaker like me. Of course, it helps if you tell them exactly what they want to hear.

I sent a letter of apology to my colleagues at Ordinary Comprehensive where I have worked for several years. Some of them occasionally feature in my blog/book (though of course the kids are the stars). I am sure they will be mature enough to forgive me, or at least sufficiently preoccupied with their efforts to manage poor behaviour not to get too worked up. Unfortunately, weak-minded liberals do have a tendency to be rather oversensitive. 

Now, I was very careful before but I shall be even more careful from now on to preserve the identities of students, teachers and parents, and of course, myself. Where before I might have cleverly changed a teacher’s name from Mr Smith to Mr Long Haired Liberal Who Wears a Palestinian Scarf, I would now refer to him more cautiously as Mr Misguided, so that he could not be so easily identified by his peers. Naturally this is a great shame, for the hair and scarf reveal so much about his character; but I am prepared to make sacrifices.

In a way, one might say that I am replacing an occasionally rather literal Dickensian approach to the naming of characters with a more playful Nabokovian one. (Oh yes, I’m pretty well-read – I’ve been to Oxford, you know; more of that later.)

Therefore, I am Ms Bumbleybong or Bubblythong or Blobbyblobbysingalong, whichever you will; to those who matter I am just Miss G. Indeed, I tend to avoid speaking to adults face to face nowadays (unless the conversation is being filmed for television) because they are usually oversensitive and the opinions they express are rarely their own. My precious charges are far less suspicious. In fact, many relish the prospect of having their insignificant little lives given some meaning by the possibility of one day appearing in a book by an Oxford graduate, albeit in such modest roles as Exceptional Black Boy, Disillusioned Low Achieving Black Boy With Bad Role Models 4, Disruptive Autistic Floppy Haired Middle Class White Boy With Left Wing Parents 2, or Girl.

You know the really great thing? People assume that because I am pushy and outspoken and a bit cross, that my version of events must be the true and accurate one! It doesn’t occur to them that my account may have been sensationalized in order to secure a book deal. These are very happy circumstances!

PS – Of course, my version of events is the true and accurate one. Readers, I would never mislead you.

PPS – I have not changed Michael’s name for good reasons. Firstly, he is a brave Tory and does not need protecting. Secondly, he is in the cabinet and therefore gets mentioned in the media literally every day! Imagine! Just before the conference, I joked with him that with a name like his he was surely destined for Gove-ernment! He laughed and tried to do some of his own observational humour along similar lines, using my name – but he faltered and became awkward and embarrassed. I had to reassure him that it’s not racist to laugh at an unusual surname; it’s okay to call a spade a spade. He then became quite stern, insisting that he had certainly not called me a spade and that I ought to know better than to listen to hearsay. After the conference, we laughed again at this little misunderstanding!