Notes on a Professionally and Sensitively Averted Scandal

or How to avoid copping off with good-looking teenage boys.

Kids cry out for structure and discipline. I remember once, a child begging to be in my class and when I said no, he said, ‘But miss, I want to be in your class because I hear you’re really mean.’ It was all I could do to resist whipping out the gimp mask there and then and teaching him a thing or two about how mean I can be!

When they do try to seduce you, it is important to step back and draw their attention to your age and even better some physical imperfection or infirmity. I know it hurts to do this and sometimes, as in my case, it can be quite difficult to come up with anything convincing.

Another way of putting them off is to sing a cappella The Police’s classic hit on this very subject, ‘Don’t Stand So Close To Me’, whilst wearing a Sting mask and gyrating. Most youth nowadays won’t go for this kind of thing (though ironically, in the 80’s these very same antics secured me three snogs).